Tara Brach
Emily asked, "How does one break from jealousy?"
RAIN on Jealousy:
When caught in jealousy, we are imprisoned in a very small, deficient sense of self. Underneath jealousy is a computation that there is only so much to go around, and that if another is getting something, we are at great risk of deprivation. We will not get the attention, approval, love, sex, power or material rewards we seek. For humans, because we are insecure about our worth and continually interpret what is happening as a reflection of our value, we are somehow less worthy if another is getting what we want.
Not only do we feel we are less important or valued, the very experience of jealousy further confirms in our minds our defectiveness. This makes jealousy one of the most difficult emotions to hang out with--it seems to reflect so poorly on us! While we might playfully admit when we feel jealous of someone, when the experience is strong, we feel tainted, unappealing, diminished by it. Literature through the centuries has cast the jealous sibling or friend or lover in a deep shadow, and our psyches agree.
Yet jealousy is entirely natural, the reflexive outcome of when there is something we want and another is getting it. It's wired into our nervous systems, and not just us humans. As soon as I lavish affection on one of my dogs, the others get noticeably agitated, needy and distressed. If the dog who is unattended to gets sufficiently agitated, she might act aggressively toward our other dog.
Jealousy itself need not cause suffering. But if we are not mindful and it proliferates--if we are consumed by it and/or act out of it--we do suffer. So how to release the grip?
RAIN--the arousing of a kind, clear presence--dissolves the bind of this painful emotion.
R-recognize
A-allow
I-investigate with kindness
N-not-identified, natural awareness
The first step is to recognize that you are feeling jealous, perhaps by noting it with a gentle mental whisper, and then allow it to be there. If you detect the second arrow of feeling that you are in some way bad for your experience (ie. "I shouldn't feel this way"), intentionally forgive jealousy for being there. Remember that it is entirely natural, we are all wired for it and it arises out of conditions beyond our control. If you can simply allow/forgive the jealousy, then you are far down the path of healing.
Next, investigate by bringing a curious and intimate attention to your experience. Be aware of the thoughts circulating, and perhaps the underlying beliefs--something is wrong with me, others don't care about me, I don't matter. Mostly investigate in your body what the felt sense of jealousy is. You might gently place your hand on your heart and breathe into where you feel most vulnerable. Notice what happens with a gesture or intention of self-kindness. Continue to offer presence and notice how feelings naturally shift around.
With a full presence, you'll begin to find that you're resting increasingly in a compassionate awareness, that which is attending, caring, investigating…and less in the identity of the jealous person. This shift in identity is the key to healing…it is a sign of "breaking free." You are coming home to who you really are, the oceanness that can include waves of jealousy without becoming possessed or reactive. This is the N of RAIN, Non-identification, and it really is the taste of freedom.
~ Tara
